


Pigeonhood

by tiedyeflag



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Multi, Other, baby pigeons, implied pratical espionage in backgrond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 01:20:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7597831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiedyeflag/pseuds/tiedyeflag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Archimedes goes missing, so Medic and his boyfriends start looking for him. When they find Archimedes, they discover he's built a nest...and more!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pigeonhood

**** “Where’s Medic?” Scout asked, spitting out cornflakes as he spoke.

“...He  _ is _ pretty late,” Sniper sipped at his coffee. “And don’t talk with your mouth full. You’re making a mess.”

Everyone knew it was unusual for Medic to be late to breakfast. Sure, he could be scatterbrained at times, but he knew at least to not skip the most important meal of the day. An awkward silence settled over the dining table like a heavy fog. Medic’s absence ate away at the back of their minds as they ate their breakfast.

Until he scrambled into the dining hall, eyes as wild as a madman’s. “Has anyone seen Archimedes?!”

Sniper coughed, sputtering coffee in front of him. After wiping his lips he said, “Geez, Doc, don’t give us a heart attack like that!”

“Who cares?! I can replace your heart a dozen times!” Medic’s gaze fell to his boots. “But I cannot replace Archimedes.”

“Yo’ sure he isn’t with your other birds?” Scout asked while wiping cornflakes from his face. “C’mon, they all look the same! Maybe you just messed up your headcount?”

“I’m positive!” Medic exclaimed. “So has anyone seen him?”

A pause, followed by a series of no’s and shaking heads.

“I can assure you he’s not in  _ my _ room,” Spy said and lit his third cigarette of the day. “I had it…” His hand made idle circling motions, creating loops of smoke as he searched for the right word. “...bird-proofed after a certain incident…” He shot daggers from his eyes in Sniper’s direction.

“It was one time!” Snipesr stood from his chair. “What did you expect me to do, put a leash on me owl?”

“If you had, then that idiotic bird wouldn’t have  _ molted _ all over my smoking quarters,” Spy puffed a cloud of smoke and disdain. “You should have kept him in-”

“Now stop right there, Spook,” Sniper jabbed a finger dangerously close to Spy’s cigarette. “Insultin’ me owl is bad enough, so don’t even think about insultin’ me campervan, too, or else...”

“Or else what?” Spy arched an eyebrow as his free hand discreetly ghosted over where he kept his knife.

Before any blades could be drawn, Heavy’s enormous hands pushed them apart. “Enough,” He growled. “Not time to fight. Time to look for Archimedes.”

“I’m sure he’ll fly back sooner or later,” Engie said while stacking dishes into his arms. He and the others didn’t notice Medic disappear from the room to resume his search.

“Until then, no healing.”

Engie nearly dropped his pile of dishes. “Say what now?”

“Doktor will look for Archimedes until found. No Archimedes, no Doktor. And no Doktor, no healing. Or ubercharge. Or--”

“You’re sayin’ Doc’s gonna look for his bird nonstop?” Scout jumped and slammed his hands on the table. “He’s not even gonna stop when we fight tomorrow?!”

“Da.”

“That’s crazy! He can’t do that!!” Scout paused. “...Can he?”

“Not if we find Archimedes first,” Snipes tugged Scout by the sleeve. “C’mon, mate, let’s go pigeon huntin’.”

“Lemme finish breakfast first!” Scout wrestled free, knelt over his bowl, and snarfed down the remaining soggy cornflakes. A minute later only lukewarm milk remained, and he wiped his mouth again. “Okay, let’s go!” This time Scout clutched Sniper’s arm and dragged him away.

“Whoa, slow down, darl’!” Sniper nearly tripped over his lanky feet as he tried to keep up with Scout.

* * *

 

Medic inhaled deeply, then cupped his hands around his mouth. “ARCHIMEEEEEEDEEEES!!!” He yelled from the roof of the base. His cry echoed throughout the fortress, battlefield, and dry desert air. The arid wind fluttered past his white coat while the sun cast long shadows behind him. Medic hardly noticed the air rushing past his face or the heat beating down on his skin. He sunk to his feet with a heavy sigh and removed his wiry glasses to rub the bridge of his nose.

“Archimedes, vhere are you…?” He clutched at his hair to distract his subconscious from dreaming of unfortunate scenarios for Archimedes, like he was stuck, or injured, or--he shook his head.

Medic reached for his breast pocket and pulled out a feather. It’s vane was almost completely white, decorated with crusty sprinkles of dried human blood. The only thing sitting in Archimedes’ cage this morning, not counting the sprinkles of bird feed.

He didn’t hear the footsteps approaching as he barely brushed his thumb through the familiar barbs. He did notice a pair of bandaged arms wrapping around him from behind, and felt warm air ghost the back of his neck.

“Hey babe,” Scout whispered.

“Has Archimedes been-?”

“Not yet. Soldier’s tryin’ ta teach one of his racoons to smell your bird out, but IIIII don’t think Lieutenant Bites knows what he’s doing. He just keeps sniffing everyone’s ass.” Scout uneasily chuckle, but fell silent when Medic didn’t join him. He held Medic tighter and pressed his cheek against Medic’s back.

This time Medic did react; he slowly placed a hand over one of Scout’s hands. Even through the rubber gloves, his hands still radiated warmth.

“We’ll find your bird, doc,” Scout said. “‘S not like he coulda gone far.”

“...But it’s been two days.”

“What?”

“He’s been gone for two days now,” Medic squeezed Scout’s hand tighter.

“And you didn’t tell anybody?” Scout lifted his head. “You’ve been lookin’ for him all by yourself this whole time?”

“Nein, I merely waited and hoped he would fly back on his own. But when he didn’t show up this morning…I-I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Aw, babe…” Scout patted Medic’s shoulder while he bit his lip. Two days? How far could a bird fly in two days? Was Archimedes even still in the base?

“...DOKTOR!!!” Boomed a voice down below.

Scout and Medic jolted. They hastily untangled themselves from each other, scrambled to the edge, and peered over, seeing Heavy waving his enormous arms in the air.

“‘Ey, Heavy!” Scout shouted back. “Can’t ya’ see we’re having some alone ti-”

“Found Archimedes!!”

“You did?!” Medic nearly jumped off the roof had Scout not held him back by the waist. “Where? Where is he?”

“Come see!”

* * *

 

Heavy ushered them into an abandoned building on the edge of the battlefield and close to the base. Late afternoon sun filtered past the holes in the roof and past the rafters, casting the enormous room in a golden light. At the opposite side of the open room, Sniper stood near a small hole, barely wide enough to accommodate his fist, in the wall. He stared at it with his back to the others. 

Scout gave Sniper’s back a hearty slap. “Snipes, we’re over here!”

“Gah! Oh for fuck’s sake, can’t I go through a single bloody day without a heart attack?”

“Nevermind that! Where’s Archimedes? Where is he?!” Medic demanded.

“Ahhh, ‘bout that, darl’...” Sniper stepped aside and gestured at the hole. “You might wanna see for yourself.” He pressed a finger to his lips. “But be quiet.”

Medic pressed his lips tight together and leaned closer to the opening. He peered inside while his eyes adjusted to the darkness inside. At first, no movement, just indecipherable silhouettes inside the cramped space.

_ “...Coo?” _

He gasped, and nearly jumped for joy when a bundle of white feathers moved. A head jerked out from beneath velvet wings, and ebony black eyes blinked back at him.

“Archimedes!” Medic whispered.

“That’s not all, mate,” Sniper added. “Look closer.”

Medic pushed his wiry glasses up his nose. Around Archimedes were chunks of decaying organs, pieces of fabric, and trashed bullet cartridges, all wrapped into a bowl shape. 

_ “A nest?” _ Medic thought with a raised eyebrow. Come to think of it, the base sat in the middle of the desert with a handful of men killing each other, so traditional nesting material was sparse. Perhaps this was why Archimedes liked to dig through patient’s body cavities, aside from using them as bloody bird baths.

But when Archimedes raised a wing to preen his feathers, that’s when Medic’s jaw dropped.

Three tiny, smooth, cream colored eggs sat snugly beneath Archimedes’ body.

“Mein gott,” Medic whispered reverently. “I don’t believe it.”

“What? What is it?” Scout whined as he jumped around Medic and Sniper, trying to get a peek. “I can’t see squat back here!”

Medic spun around and shoved Scout to the hole. 

“Okay, ya’ don’t need to pu--hey, birdbrain. Long time no--WHOA!” Scout pressed his hands against the wall. Then he pushed himself away. “Th-there are eggs in there! Freakin’ eggs!”

“Shhh!” Medic hissed. “Don’t shout! We’ll scare them!”

Sniper quirked a brow. “Uh, I don’t think they can hear us yet, mate.”

“So...does this mean we gotta rename Archimedes?” Scout scratched his ear. “You named that bird after some Greek guy, right?”

“Nein. All that matters is mein little boy is a little girl and she’s now a mother!” Medic squealed.

“So does that make us uncles, darl’?” Sniper chuckled, but blushed when Medic flung his arms around Sniper and Scout, one on each side of him.

“Of course, lieben,” He said and pecked them both on the cheek.

Sniper flushed bright red while Scout punched the air. Before Medic could release them, Heavy’s massive arms wrapped around them and lifted them off the ground, roaring with laughter.

“Congratulations, Doktor. And to leetle boyfriends, too!”

* * *

 

Sniper felt a hand nudge his calf and urged him to wake up. He cracked open his eyes. When his eyes adjusted to the light, he found Scout grinning down at him. Sniper smiled slightly; there was no mistaking Scout’s endearing bucktooth grin.

“Snipes, yo awake?”

“‘Am now,” Sniper sat up and swung his lanky legs to the side of the bed so Scout could sit. Scout plopped down, flung one arm around Sniper’s shoulders, and held up a piece of notebook paper in his other hand. 

Sniper snickered at the page. Scribbled in black pens and red markers was an amusing illustration; a bird’s nest that formed a tank, commanded by three birds in hardhats, shooting lasers (or maybe bullets) at a crude rendition of a man in a suit and ski mask.

“Drew it myself,” Scout boasted.

“A bloody masterpiece,” Sniper patted Scout on the back.

“Abso-fucking-utely,” Scout nodded, then tapped at Sniper’s shoulder. “Hey, do your Spy impression again.”

“Again?”

“Uh-huh.”

Sniper sighed. “Alright, but this is the last time for tonight, alright?”

Scout nodded and crisscrossed his legs on the mattress.

“Right,” Sniper cleared his throat and smoothed his hair back to make his head appear flatter. Then he glared at Scout with a fake scowl and said, in a honky voice and fake french accent, “Mon dieu! My tie!” He waved a finger aggressively in the air while Scout cracked up. “Zhat nest has my favorite tie! It cost nine hundred dollars! And now it’s  _ ruined!! _ ”

Scout roared with laughter, overbalancing until he lay supine on the bed. Snipes laughed along as he doubled over his aching stomach. As they settled down, Scout’s eyes wandered to the opposite wall. Upside down, he could still read his baseball player calander his mom sent him last Christmas. On today’s date was a doodle of a chick hatching from an egg, squawking. 

“Can’t believe those little guys are gonna hatch any day now,” Scout said.

“What?” Sniper blinked. “...Oh, you mean Archimedes’ chicks?”

“Our ‘grandchildren’,” Scout corrected. “Man, two weeks really flew by.” He yelped when Sniper gently bashed Scout in the shins. “Ow, what the fuck, Snipes?!”

“That’s the worst bloody pun I’ve ever heard.”

“Wha? What pu-- _ oh, _ ” Scout sat up. “I didn’t mean to, honest. Here, I’ll make it up to you.” He leaned closer.

Sniper stilled, expecting a kiss, but when Scout’s lips barely touched his stubbly cheek, they suddenly lowered to his neck and firmly blew a messy raspberry into the taut skin.

“Pfft-hell--” Sniper cursed between laughs. “Haha-q-quit it, you little shit! HahaHA! S-stop!”

Scout replied by moving down, jerking Sniper’s red shirt up, and blowing into his ticklish tummy.

“Aha-ahaHAHA-anywhere but there!!” Sniper pleaded.

However, Scout refused to cease his movements, except for a breath. Now, he inhaled deeply for a big one, but froze when the door slammed open with Medic panting at the doorway.

“Doc?” Sniper and Scout said in unison.

“It’s happening!” Medic squealed, dashed over, and dragged them off the bed and through the door. “Hurry!”

“What? What’s happening?” Sniper asked, glancing at the clock on the way out. “In the middle of the bloody night?”

“They’re  _ hatching!! _ ”

* * *

 

The abandoned room looked different in the dim moonlight. Eerie shadows decorated the walls while a subtle wind whistled past the men. They would be shivering from cold had they not been running the entire distance from Scout’s room. Medic held a finger to his lips, urging the other two to quiet their breathing. Then they crept inside, on tiptoe, as if sneaking past the enemy.

Medic approached the hole first, and bowed his head with one eye open. He smiled and whispered, “Come see!” Sniper and Scout shuffled close together with Medic sandwiched between them.

Inside, Archimedes gently pecked at her wiggling eggs as if encouraging them.  One of the eggs gave the tiniest crack. Then another, this time a piece fluttering down. 

_ “Cheep!” _

“Holy--didja hear that?” Scout beamed. “It peeped!”

“Shhh, darl’,” Sniper hushed.

Another crisp crack towards the back, followed by another cheep. Archimedes cooed and ruffled her feathers before shifting away to give her eggs room. It gave the men a clear view of all three eggs wiggling amongst the organs of the nest. Soon a beak poked out, squawking. Then two more, filling the small nest with high pitched cries.

“Wouldja look at that?” Sniper whispered in awe. Scout, however, remained uncharacteristically silent, mouth agape.

Sniper and Scout were so transfixed that they barely noticed Medic’s arms curling tighter around them, or his shoulders shaking ever so slightly.

“Huh? Babe?” Scout’s eyes widened when he saw tears down each of Medic’s cheeks. “What’s wrong?”

“I...I’m just so happy,” Medic sniffed.

“Aw, c’mere,” Sniper laid his head on Medic’s shoulder. Scout mimicked the gesture by pressing his cheek against Medic’s upper arm. They huddled together, listening to the soft coos of Archimedes and the tiny chirps of her young.

* * *

 

“Uh-oh,” Snipes scooped up his hat and glared at the feathery squab sitting inside. “Roo, get outta me hat before you shit in it again.”

Roo warbled, blinked, and then hopped out of the outback hat and onto Sniper’s arm. He smiled and put his hat on with his other hand. 

“Aw, Roo not housebroken yet?” Scout said as another young pigeon sat on his shoulder. “Look at Scout the Second over here, barely two weeks old--” He tipped off his cap with a flourish, “--and already fully…” His mouth went dry when he saw a white splatter of a paste in the middle of his hat. He didn’t need a mirror to know the crown of his hair was mussed in a similar substance.

“Er--almost housebroken!” Scout nervously giggled and tickled the bird’s chest. It chirped appreciatively and pecked his earlobe. “Heh, love ya’ too, buddy.”

A smooth whistle cut through the air. Roo and Scout the Second flew away and towards Medic, who had Archimedes on one shoulder and another baby, Hypatia, on the other. They all fluttered around him until they settled on his bent arm held at eye level.

“Oh, Archimedes, your babies are so beautiful!” Medic beamed.

“And Scout the Second’s the coolest!” Scout chimed. “He’s already learning some tricks!”

“You’re still trying to get him to poop on Spook, aren’t ya?” Sniper smirked.

“And he’s come THIS close!” Scout held his index finger and thumb an inch apart. 

“On what, his shoes? They’ve just started flyin’, love.”

“Wellllll more like Spy nearly stepped in his bird crap yesterday.”

Sniper guffawed. “Then I’d call that progress! Who knows, maybe lil’ Roo will join him. Maybe I’ll have to start throwing jars of birdseed at bloody Spooks from now on.”

They looked at the birds still on Medic, but now one of them was ruffling its feathers in his once combed back hair. Medic chuckled, “Hypatia, no! Mein head is not a nest! Heehee, that tickles!”

“Least she doesn't use your hat as a toilet, darl’.” Sniper gently nudged Medic in the ribs.

“True,” Medic hummed. For a moment, all three of them silently gazed at the birds, each quirking their heads and chirping in their own special ways. Roo hopping about like a joey, Scout the Second warbling loudly, Hypatia fluffing her feathers, and Archimedes proudly staring at them all.

“Ahem.”

Medic, Scout, and Sniper turned towards the door while the birds startled and fluttered away. Spy leaned elegantly yet in disdain against the doorframe with Engineer behind him. Engineer still had his fist near his mouth from coughing.

“We hate to break up this beautiful moment boys, but it’s almost time to head out.” Engineer shifted the weight of his hefty toolbox on his shoulder.

“In precisely,” Spy looked at his watch with a flourish, “two minutes.”

“Say WHAT?!” Scout cried while Sniper’s jaw dropped. Medic paled, and hastily scrambled to the mammoth sized birdcage.

“Don’t just stand there, get the birds!” He ordered.

As Scout and Sniper frantically ushered in the pigeons, Engineer and Spy disappeared down the hall.

“Those boys are gonna be pretty mad when they hear we don’t fight for another ten minutes.” Engineer said.

“Better than having those rats with wings flying around while we risk our lives on the battlefield.”

“You’re still mad you stepped in bird crap yesterday, huh?”

“...I wish not to discuss it at this point of time.”

**Author's Note:**

> Big thank you to my friends eli and mahoot from tumblr for proofreading this! And dedicated to the ship that eli used to suck me into this fandom in the first place. Also so we can have baby pigeons. Fluffy birds as fluffy as this fic :3
> 
> Spy don't be rude, those birds are adorable and u know it. Scout the Second will poop on you successfully someday tho XD


End file.
